Saturday, February 20, 2016

Fake it Until You Make it...

 I am trying my best to stay positive while experiencing so much pain. I feel like I'm faking it and putting on a good face when I am around my children. I have some days where I will literally cry for hours when I'm home alone and then laugh at myself because it is all so ridiculous. I feel like a lunatic.

 I have read The Secret and in the book they discuss how you must think good thoughts and even when you are in pain think about how good you feel. I am really trying but some days you just snap and say it's bullshit. But I know it is not and it does work. you have to believe it will work. My husband is sometimes exposed to these outbursts of emotion and he holds me and tells me he wishes he could take it all away, while I'm thinking "why aren't you running away as fast as you can?" On days when the pain is not so bad I always overdo it. I'm so excited to be able to change the sheets or cook a meal and not be doing some form of stretching or therapy. For those days I am thankful.

I am grateful that I am experiencing less pain in my arms and legs. I am grateful that I can walk. I am grateful for my healthy children and my supportive husband. I am grateful that my family is doing everything they can to help me seek the best treatment possible. I am grateful for the friends that have really stood by me during this difficult time and accepted phone calls from me that they knew were likely going to be unpleasant. ( sometimes I would even surprise them by not crying!) I am grateful for my home and my cat who snuggles with me when he feels like it. I am grateful for the clean, hot water that soothes my aching muscles every night. I am grateful for the comfy bed and medications that help me sleep and take the pain away at night. I love to sleep. Falling asleep is difficult because of my head tremors, but once I'm out...there is no pain. Most days I would dread waking up to realize another day of pain lay ahead of me, instead of dreaming that I was running and carefree. I have to believe in that dream. I have to hold on to hope and accept that this is my reality. I have got to stay strong and put a smile on my face.

 I will fake it until I make it. 

We just booked my next trip in April for re-evaluation and testing of my eye movements and coordination at The Plasticity Brain Center in Orlando, Florida. I will do my best to share my journey with you.