Saturday, February 27, 2016

My Story-Continued...

After I finished the three months of outpatient intensive therapy I found a part time job working for an interior designer as her assistant. The only way I could describe how I felt was shell-shocked. I constantly felt like I had electricity and poison running through my veins and the pain in my neck and body was getting worse.  I always took pride in being a hard worker and I had such a great love for design but felt useless at this job. I was mentally and physically exhausted. To make extra money I took a job waiting tables a few nights a week. I was having a hard time concentrating and keeping up with the job. I started having bouts of insomnia again. Within 8 months I ended up losing both of these jobs because of my inability to concentrate and work effectively. In all of my years of work I have never been fired or let go of a job. This absolutely crushed my soul and I felt so lost, sick and so helpless. What happened to the girl who used to be fearless? What happened to her creativity and desire? Where did her passion go? Why am I not the mother I always dreamed I would be? Why am I just going through the motions and not enjoying life? How is it possible I went through all this therapy and I'm still all f**ked up?


After I lost those two jobs my father-in-law was kind enough to hire me to work at their family business. My husband was at his wit’s end as anyone would have been in this situation. I knew something was wrong but all the doctors said I was physically fine and I kept taking all the medication the psychiatrist had given me. I now felt like a zombie on top of all of the physical issues..  I was doing some web design work which I enjoyed and I also found a job working part time at Crate And Barrel. I was still feeling the same symptoms as before, but I seemed to able to manage. I had come to a point where I accepted the fact that I had a sleep disorder and chronic pain and would have to learn to deal with it. I stopped the therapy sessions and my primary care physician prescribed an antidepressant and xanax along with the trazodone I was taking for sleep. I was taking all this medication and still felt all the same symptoms.


Eventually, I applied for a full time position at Crate And Barrel and got the job. Once again, I did not feel that my full potential was being realized and I had a difficult time keeping up with the job. I had a hard time concentrating and keeping up with the physical aspect as well. My neck pain seemed to be getting worse every day and I was going to the chiropractor 3 times a week for help. All of my paychecks were going to pay medical bills. In July of 2014 I noticed that I was having a hard time turning my head to the left. In August when I was driving my car suddenly my head  started shaking uncontrollably and I had to use my left hand to hold my head still so that I can drive focus on the road. The chiropractor told me that I may have spasmodic torticollis and they could  help me work it out. One night I was trying to prepare dinner and I sliced my index finger open with a knife. I went to my primary care doctor for stitches and he referred me to physical therapy once I told him about my head and neck issues. I tried physical therapy for 4 weeks and I was just getting worse and felt like someone was pulling my head to the right and I couldn't look to the left. Somehow I was still going to work. I felt like I was losing my mind and I'm sure my coworkers felt the same.

To be Continued...